Oneiros
Monday, September 08, 2003
  Which one will it be tonight?

Obssessed with the new: New place to move, new job, new boyfriend. Get the right one of these things and my life will be better. Find one right New, and the search is over. Only, how can I be sure it's the right New? Maybe I had better check out a couple of other New's. Just one or two more, I'm sure it will all be clear then.

I don't move, I like the security of the same home in the same city all the time. And it won't be a new job, 7 1/2 years at the biscuit taught me I will put up with a great deal to new have to have a first day at work ever again. And the Boy's aren't really my fault. They never seem to stick around long enough to become old. But in all honesty, I never really give them much of a reason to. They drift off and I let them, not even trying to remain in their thoughts.

So tonight I'm going out to find the next New, telling myself it's just for a moment. By the end of the night I'll be handing out my phone number, or taking theirs. So much for that lie.

Later.
 
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
  This was a rough week. The Thumb used up more engergy than normal, I'm not sure I've recovered yet and I've had a full day off already. The Eagle was draining, even though it was a slow Saturday night without a club bar. Spank Atlanta was fun, but even it took a lot out of me.

I'll ry again later today.
 
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
  I know, I took too long to add a new post.

Doctor guy never called back, I think he was just working me for someone else's phone number. it's a long story, and I'm not really feeling up to telling it just yet. Headache. I think I'll work on this more later, after a nap. 
Monday, August 25, 2003
  Stood up for a new date. This has got to be some sort of record. I may possibly be the most stood up man in existence. What does this say about me and the human race in general?

At least this one had a good excuse. He's a doctor, a surgeon, and a condition with a patient got out of control. When I was trying to call him to find out what was up, his hands were covered in blood. That's the kind of detail you just don't get with the average excuse. Mind you this is not the guy I was supposed to have a date with anyway. That would have been Lee, and I knew he wasn't going to live up to calling me.

This was Greg, a new victim at the shop last night. Frequently, working in a leather shop, we find customers bringing people in for us to play with. The full treatment includes: having them try on everything that might fit them, tying them up, smacking them around a bit and shocking them with the toys we carry that no one plays with. Greg was into it. Trepidatious as first, he eventually caught the vibe and played along nicely. For someone who purports to be unable to preform in front of an audience, he handled the nudity and manhandling well in front of 4 extras.

I thought I wouldn't see him again after that night, but it was a good experience i was happy to have. I went out for food with Lopez afterword and when I got home, my answering machine was blinking. He called me twice last night to arrange this date, which is alot for past midnight on a sunday night.

I'm not hurt that he couldn't make it, I know he wanted to. I'm just dissappointed. 
Saturday, August 23, 2003
  I thought it was high time I put up a picture of myself on this page somewhere. It's not a great one, I just took it sitting at my desk, but it is recent. And it is how I end up looking to new people I meet online most of the time. I'm a big fan of Video Conferencing.

No. I still don't have anything interesting to say. I'm just waiting for a large file to finish downloading. 
Friday, August 22, 2003
  He blew it off. Date Numer 1 Episode 3 begins and ends without event. No call/no show. Easy

Now to get ready for Date Number 2 Episode 2. I've given this the Ep2 title, because Lee and I have tried once before. We've screwed around in the bar a bit, and made one date, which we cancelled out of. He's asked for another shot, but I wasn't into it so much. Now I am. I just have to work to get over the height issue. I always feel weird being the tallest person in the room. And truth be told my issues with my height have affected my dating choices before. He's considerably shorter than me. We will see. 
  I forgot, something interesting did happen recently. I met this guy Jeremy who runs a naked gay campground. I had heard that he had done a porn film, and it just came out. Finally I get to watch him in action. I know it would be better if I actually slept with him, but I'll take what I can get. Here's the link Manhuntervideo.com - Real Men of Small Town America 
  Tonight, according to plan, is Date Number 1 Episode 3. Twice now this date has been put off, and I'm all for skipping it tonight too. But I made the date, and I'm going through with it. But if he puts it off tonight, I'll let it die. This is the one I don't really want anyway. Call it a warm-up date.

2 weeks until the next Spank Atlanta party, and I still haven't done the T-shirts...

You know, my life is boring. I don't know a bunch of interesting people, I don't do anything of real value. I'm just trying to fill up my life as much as possible until I'm done taking up space here on Earth. I've learned many important lessons in my 33 years, but not the crucial one: What am I here for? What is the thing I'm supposed to do that going to make a difference to anyone?

I'm not depressed, just confused. There's a point to this, I'm positive. I am a man of faith. But I'm a little afraid I might have missed it. Maybe I've already done the thing, and I wasn't paying attention, so I'm looking for a moment that's already passed. Ah well, I've got ot brush my teeth before the big date (if it happens) 
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
  I have 2 dates this week. One a younger guy I just met, I want him but I don't know if we have anything in common. The other is an older guy I played with a while ago, and now I want to see if we could have anything more. Who wins? Desire for relationship, or animal attraction? Tune in next week for the exciting answer.

Meanwhile Lopez is throwing a monkey wrench into the Eric debacle. With his recent reconcilliation with Tom the boys are starting to think there's hope for me and Eric. And I'm still uncomfortable with telling them the one thing that will stop their arguments in their tracks: I'm happier without Eric. My life has been better since I broke up with him.

No. I never called him last week. After I said I would I heard a disturbing rumor from Eastman that pissed me off. Appearantly E left a similar tear filled message on the machine of Mark S. Pekar. The next day, being the supportive friend he is, MSP called to offer at least a friendly ear. Eric professed little memory of the event or what he said and laughed the whole thing off. After hanging up with MSP, E confessed to Eastman that He had no idea what he may have said on my machine.

As I see it, there are 2 possiblities: He knows what he said, but doesn't want to own up to it {here come E's non-confrontational issues}, or He doesn't know {drinking leading to forgotten events? Sounds like alcoholism} . These are the 2 main reasons I ended the relationship. I don't think I could live with myself if I let them be used to drag me back in.

He knows my number. If he wants to know anything else he can call and ask.  
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
  Fuck, my back is killing me. I feel like Carrie going to Charlotte's wedding from hell. hunched and trying not to laugh. And did I, like Carrie, get this injury in the quest for rebound sex with some out-of-towner? No. I've done nothing strenuous at all. I'm assuming it's an infection that's worked it's way into my muscles. Couple of days, megadoses of vitamin C and I'll be fine.

I'm gearing up for the next Trivia Night. Making calls and inviting people. One more shot to see if I can't get my friends together to do something. There may have to be an extra appeal to some of the more prized contestants. 
Friday, August 08, 2003
  Time for the Eric thing. I went to Joe's on Juniper last night for Trivia. No one showed up, but I did get to Eric as he was leaving with Tom and 3 others. I stayed and played alone for a while, then went home. I had a Message.

Eric must have called right after leaving the restaurant. He said he was drunk and didn't understand, he told me I won because he missed me. I called his machine back today, saying I would talk to him early next week.

What the hell am I going to say?
 
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
  Here's the thing. I put up a shelf and got a great feeling of accomplishment from it. Too great, actually, because now I feel like I'm done for the day. 
  Like I don't have enough to do. With the crazy job situation (Travis is getting fired, I have to shuffle my day job to be able to take over Fri nights at the bar too), A diasaster of an apartment that I still want to paint, and 3 writing projects in the works; I go out and buy a new video game. Primal for Playstation2. Great game, enjoying it immensely.

Who needs a clean home?
 
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
  Ah, Monday. oh shit It's tuesday already. Mondays go so fast these days.

Here's the other real reason for my blog. It's time for a little political ranting. I read the AJC every day. I know, it's not a great newspaper. It's not even a crappy newspaper. It may be the worst shit anyone ever killed as tree for. But it is my hometown newspaper. Obsessed by op-ed pieces, I usually open to the editorials first. The Gays are in the paper all the time, seems they provide endless amusement or distress for the rest of the world. But before I talk about The Gays, I want to talk about my newspaper's editorial staff.

They like extremes. It seems an opinion can never be too outrageous for them. In an effort to "maintain balance" they also like to print opposing viewpoints side by side. I'm sure this is meant to show the full spectrum of their readers. The Problem with falling withing the two endpoints of a spectrum: You live quite happily in the middle without being anywhere near those two endpoints. Someone reading these opinions would tend to think everyone is either Rabidly for or Over-My-Dead-Body against any topic. And everyone comes off sounding like an idiot.

Take Gay Marriage (...please). The recent letters to the AJC have all held opinions so extreme as to verge on the absurd. And no one on the AJC board seems to think there's any middle ground. I got some middle ground for you... right here:

I'm a 30's gay man living in ATL. I think fighting so feverently for Gay Marriage rights is the biggest waste of anyone's time and resources. At a time when the economy has tanked, we are fighting a war that will never truly end, AIDS infection rates are up 18% since 1996, and 30% of teens who commit suicide (and we're talking a big number of bodies here) do so to aviod dealing with their sexual identity issues, who the fuck cares if we can get married? Why is this such an important issue right now. Public opinion on Gay Marriage has steadily increased for the last 20 years. 40% of Americans support it. Wait another 10 years and that number will be 60%. Why don't we just wait until we have the support of our fellow Americans before we shove this down their throat?

Damn. Now i'm starting to sound like a rabid monkey now. Moo. But at least I'm a rabid money in the middle.  
Saturday, August 02, 2003
  I'm not feeling so great today. The last two weeks really took it out of me.

I stalked him to Quiz Night. We hung out with the math kids. Nothing was said. He said he'd see me thursday night at the bar, he didn't.

Now he's gone. I'm taking tonight to wallow, Sunday night to drink-to-forget, and then Monday I'll start up my life again. I really need to get some laundry done, and possibly paint the living room.

I'll be fine. 
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
  What now?

The battle's done
and we kinda won
So we shout our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
6x06 Once More with Feeling


And this is why I should never have days off from work. Left to my own devices, I am capable of surprisingly little. There are no projects to occupy my time, at least none I'm willing to attempt right now. I'm hoping to catch one last glimpse of that boy before he's gone, and barring that to send a lovely parting gift off with his friends for him. For this I'm willing to make to journey to Buckhead yet again.

And once that's done, where will I be? Waiting in the little apartment I want to call a home for the next thing to happen? How many more days will hide in this little hole until I make my next tragic mistake? There's a project: A line of T-shirts with the Tragic Flaw logo on them. I bet you just can't wait for the next mood swing to wash over me, can you?

I feel lost today. Last night I was one with the Universe, today I'm lost. Lee Ann picked the worst time to be away on vacation. On a brighter note, I get to pick her up from the airport tomorrow morning. We'll have a bit of a road trip to try to figure some of this out. For my own enlightenment, I need to put down a timeline of how this happened.

Friday July 18 - See a cute guy sitting alone at the Eagle early, 8:30-ish. Talk to him, thinking he might be a quick trick. He's not, but he is interesting. Talk to him all night, with a few other people. He leaves without saying good-bye.

Saturday July 19 - He comes in again, we talk more. All night again, but I'm alone as bar-back tonight. He talks with a lot of people. Leaves without saying good-bye.

Sunday July 20 - He visits me while I'm working the shop. Quality chat here some. By this point I know a lot about him. I have no idea how much he knows about me. I don't talk much about me, and I don't know if he paid any attention to what I did say. We have something of a sexual moment.

Monday July 21 - He brings the rest of the Math Kids to the Eagle. I meet some of his friends, he meets some of mine. Breakfast with a few of them. Tonight I get a quick kiss good-bye

Tuesday July 22 - He visits me in the shop again. Says he wants to come home with me, but he's already tired, and I have to work until 2:00am.

Wednesday July 23 - Quiz Night at Fado, with more Math Kids. Fun night, but he's not feeling well by the end of it. He takes the kids home and I go out for more drinks.

Thurdsday July 24 - He actually calls me. We grab a bite to eat, and I walk him home. Another quick kiss.

Saturday July 26 - He comes out to the bar again. I'm working again. Responds favorably to my date proposal for Monday night.

Monday July 28 - No call/No show on the date.

Tuesday July 29 - I get the e-mail excuse see yesterdays post

Wednesday July 30 - Having no way to get in touch with him, I'm prepping to stalk him at Quiz Night if he shows up. I figure it's my last chance. This will be over on Friday. He goes back to DC. This will be over on Friday. This will be over on Friday. This will be over on Friday.  
  Corey still feels ill. Chances are I'm not going to see him again before he leaves town. My search continues.  
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
  So Saturday night I asked him out on a real date for Monday. I started with an e-mail, but I did ask him in person when I saw him. I just wanted to put down what I wanted to say so that I didn't screw it up entirely when I was standing next to him. I've been rather tongue tied when he's near. This is what I said in the e-mail:

I am asking you out on a date Monday night. A real date. Just you and me and a plan I've had lingering in the back of my mind for a little while now. You can say no if you want to, you won't break my heart. I won't stop speaking to you or try to kill your family pet. But I want my shot, my one real date where you don't have to worry about whether the rest of the math kids will make it home safely and where you don't have to think about Combinatorics or possible testicular problems. My moment to put myself out there and be sweet and engaging and show you I can carry a on conversation without acting like some bumbling dolt. A date where you also don't have to worry about what I'm expecting from you. Come, be yourself, I am not trying to pressure you into anything like a sexual situation (not that I'm turning down any offers). I just have very little time left before you get on plane and I never see you again. I want my chance to let you know how I feel, so you don't walk away ignorant of the impact you've had on my life.

And I have dating skills. I know it doesn't seem like it, the way I've been stumbling around my attempts, but I have real skills. I could give you references. People who hate to date have loved dating me. I'm good at this. Really.

Of course he didn't show or call. I got an e-mail from him the next morning:

So, first off let me say I'm particularly sorry. I didn't call, and I feel bad about that, and I deserve any ill feelings you harbor against me.

Secondly, I sat around the hospital/dorm yesterday with a horrible fever, swollen glands everywhere, and no motivation to do anything, and no particular warm feelings towards anyone. I wasn't myself, even now I just want to go back to bed, or better yet, get the hell out of atlanta and go home to the doctor.

I'm really sorry that you've gotten all the bad parts of this experience. I do appreciate your being around to talk to this entire time i've been here. You deserve to be treated much better.

I don't know what else to say, except that I'm not particularly proud of myself.

c


I hate when people have good excuses. And I wish I had my chance. But that's ok. There will be other men. Plus, maybe our paths will cross again... 
Monday, July 28, 2003
  Things are better today. I'm not as far into stalkerland as I thought. It was easy to back slowly away, and no one got hurt. Plus it's only 4 more days before he walks out of my life forever.

On a brighter note, I've become obsessed with the new Showtime production: Dead Like Me. Very very funny.
 
Saturday, July 26, 2003
  Hell. Now I think I'm moving into the strange, but not un-fun, land of stalkerdom. I've become obbessed by a man who I'm only going to be able to see for 6 more days, at most. See, it's all the problem of this excercise I did a few weeks back. I wrote down everything I wanted in a man, to be sure I knew what I was actually looking for. You know, to avoid just going after someone because they were there.

This guy fits every item on the list that can be vetted out at this point. Next time I make a list like this, I have to make sure I put "Lives near me" at the top. It is a nice little glimmer of hope anyway. Shows me my list is possible.  
Thursday, July 24, 2003
  Now I just don't know anything. I thought last night went well at Quiz Night. Everyone seemed to have a good time. I didn't think I pissed anyone off at least. On the Marta ride home we were going to get some food. One of the group was headed straight back to the dorms, but everyone else was getting off two stops earlier to go to the Vortex. And then a curious thing happened...

Just before the Vortex stop, Corey says he's not going with us to eat. OK. Nothing like waiting til the last second, but I can deal. "Everyone who wants food, follow me," I said. Corey was silent, no one knew what to do. He's their connection to this place; he's the one they follow. Without him encourageing everyone to go with me, they stayed put. I couldn't exactly sit back down in that moment, not without looking like the complete fool. So I got off the train. Started towards the escalator without looking back.

I walked the 14 blocks to the Eagle cursing under my breath. Obviously I needed more to drink. 
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
  This has been a most interesting week. I've spent every night since Friday with a cute irish mathmatician. See, I told you you meet the most interesting people in leather bars.

Mind you, we haven't done anything yet, or at least not much. Ok, we engaged in a bit of esoteric play that may be considered sexual in certain circles, but it really wasn't very much. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I worked at The Eagle and Corey came in each night. Monday I went out just as a customer and he came out with a bunch of friends. Bit of advice: When in a strange city on a mathematics conference, it's probably a bad idea to bring a bunch of straight mathmaticians to a gay leather bar. Live and learn. I do think the Math Kids had a good time, though. And they certainly have something to remember this conference by. Tuesday I was working down in the shop, and Corey came out again just to chat.

Corey's blog has a better intro about how we met http://mathgeek.blogspot.com/2003_07_01_mathgeek_archive.html Scroll down to the Monday, July 21, 2003 post.

And he said he's not getting laid on this trip. I expect that to change rather soon. Anyway, I've got to get ready for tonight. I'm going to Fado with him and the Math Kids to be part of their quiz night team. Let's hope I cause a little less trouble tonight. 
Liquid Dreams

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